This morning, I came across a poll on LinkedIn about gender roles and tasks—who typically does what in households and relationships. At first glance, it seemed like a simple question, but it caused me to pause and reflect on something much deeper: the invisible networks of conversations we are born into. These aren’t just the words we hear, but the behaviors, expectations, and cultural norms that silently shape our lives. Much like the water a fish can’t see, these inherited networks often go unnoticed, yet they influence everything we do.
The Networks of Conversations We Inherit
From the moment we are born, we are immersed in networks of conversations. These networks are the societal, familial, and cultural stories we inherit—about who we should be, how we should behave, and what roles we are expected to play. These “conversations” are often unspoken, embedded in the actions and attitudes of those around us. For example:
Gender Roles: As highlighted by the LinkedIn poll, the division of tasks often stems from generational patterns. Who handles the finances, who cooks, who leads—these are modeled for us long before we consciously choose them.
Success and Achievement: Ideas about what success looks like—getting a degree, climbing the corporate ladder, or owning a home—are passed down without question.
Relationships and Family Dynamics: Expectations around marriage, parenting, and friendships are often shaped by what we observe rather than what is explicitly said.
These networks shape our identities, our choices, and our sense of what is possible. They can be valuable and grounding, but they can also act as invisible barriers to living a created life—a life designed authentically by us, rather than dictated by inherited norms.
The Fish and the Water: Seeing What’s Invisible
These networks of conversations are like the water a fish swims in—so pervasive that we don’t even realize they’re there. And just like the fish, it can be difficult to examine what’s invisible until we make a conscious effort to step back and question our surroundings.
Without examination, these inherited networks can become a script we unconsciously follow. They dictate our roles, our goals, and even our sense of worth. But the good news is that we have the amazing gift of inquiry—the ability to pause, reflect, and ask, Is this truly mine? Through examination, we can begin to see the water we’re swimming in and decide whether we want to remain in it or chart a new course.
Actions to Examine and Choose Your Life
If we want to live created lives of our own design, the first step is to examine the networks we’ve inherited and decide what serves us and what doesn’t. Here are some actions to guide this process:
Practice Self-Inquiry: Take time to reflect on your beliefs, habits, and choices. Ask yourself:
Where did this belief come from?
Is it truly mine, or was it modeled for me?
Does it align with the life I want to create?
Journaling can be a powerful tool for uncovering inherited patterns and exploring what feels authentic to you.
Observe the Behaviors Around You: Pay attention to the actions and attitudes of those in your immediate circles. What unspoken messages are being communicated? For example:
Who takes on certain roles in your family or workplace?
What behaviors are rewarded or criticized?
Noticing these patterns can help you identify the “water” you’re swimming in.
Challenge Assumptions: Once you’ve identified inherited networks, question them. For instance:
If you’ve always believed you must follow a specific career path, ask yourself, Why?
If certain roles are divided along traditional lines in your home, ask, Is this the best arrangement for us, or is it just the default?
Challenging assumptions creates space for new possibilities.
Experiment with New Choices: Living a created life means actively designing your experiences. Try stepping outside the norms you’ve inherited:
Swap roles or tasks in your household to see what works best for everyone.
Pursue a passion or goal that doesn’t fit the script you were given.
Surround yourself with diverse perspectives to expand your sense of what’s possible.
Small experiments can lead to profound shifts in how you live and relate to the world.
Cultivate a Supportive Community: Seek out people who challenge the status quo and inspire you to think differently. Conversations with others who are on a similar journey can help you stay committed to living authentically.
Living Beyond the Inherited Networks
Examining and choosing your life is not a one-time event; it’s an ongoing practice. As you continue to uncover the invisible networks of conversations that shape your world, you’ll find new opportunities to design a life that is truly yours. This process isn’t about rejecting everything you’ve inherited—it’s about consciously deciding what to keep, what to transform, and what to leave behind.
The gift of examination and inquiry allows us to see the water we swim in and ask, What kind of ocean do I want to live in? When we embrace this gift, we take the first step toward living a created life of our own design—a life that reflects our truest selves, free from the limits of inherited norms.
So, let’s dive deep, ask questions, and chart new waters. The journey of self-inquiry may be challenging, but it is also one of the most rewarding paths we can take.
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