The Trap of the Shoulds

How many times a day do you say it?

I should call them back.

I should feel grateful.

I should work out.

I should be further along by now.

It’s such a small word.

But it carries the weight of a lifetime.

The Invisible Architecture of Obligation

We build our lives on the scaffolding of shoulds.

We organize our days around them.

We define our worth by how well we obey them.

And most of the time, we don’t even notice.

Because should feels familiar.

It feels responsible.

It feels…true.

But here’s the truth underneath the truth:

Most of our shoulds are not ours.

They’re inherited.

Absorbed.

Imposed.

They come from parents, teachers, culture, religion, trauma, capitalism.

They are the unspoken rules of survival in a world that measures worth in productivity, compliance, and appearances.

Should becomes the voice of internalized control.

The quiet chorus of all the things we’ve agreed to without ever consenting.

The Cost of Obedience

The thing about shoulds is they seem harmless—at first.

But slowly, they chip away at our joy.

At our presence.

At our truth.

Because every time you say should, you’re implying that what’s true for you isn’t enough.

You shouldn’t be tired.

You shouldn’t feel what you feel.

You shouldn’t want what you want.

You shouldn’t rest until the list is done.

And in that split second of self-correction, a tiny fracture forms inside you.

You stop trusting yourself.

You start shaping yourself.

And soon, you’re living a life designed not from desire—but from obligation.

Shoulds Feel Like Safety… But They’re a Cage

Obeying should gives us the illusion of being good, responsible, acceptable.

It lets us fit in. Avoid conflict. Be liked.

But it costs us something sacred:

our sovereignty.

The longer we live by should, the harder it is to hear our real yes or no.

Our nervous systems confuse guilt with wrongness.

We feel bad saying no—even when no is the truth.

We feel selfish choosing joy—even when joy is the medicine.

We feel lazy resting—even when we’re depleted.

Because should doesn’t just control our actions. It colonizes our inner world.

And when you live in that cage long enough, you begin to think it’s your home.

Bringing the Shoulds Into the Light

The first act of liberation is awareness.

Just begin to notice:

How often does should show up in your language?

How many decisions are made from obligation, not truth?

How many times a day do you abandon yourself to be “good”?

This is not about judging yourself.

This is about seeing—with tenderness, with honesty.

Because until we see the cage, we can’t step out of it.

On the Other Side

Here’s what happens when you begin to release the shoulds:

You hear your own voice again.

You remember what desire feels like.

You realize that joy doesn’t need to be justified.

You start choosing based on alignment, not expectation.

You begin to trust yourself.

And you realize: You never needed the shoulds to be whole.

You never needed them to be safe, or loved, or worthy.

You are allowed to live a life that feels good to you—even if it doesn’t make sense to anyone else.

You are allowed to choose rest over hustle.

Truth over politeness.

Desire over duty.

Freedom over approval.

You are allowed to choose you.

The Quiet Revolution

It won’t happen all at once.

It might start with whispering “no” where you used to say yes.

Or resting without explanation.

Or questioning a belief you’ve never dared to examine.

But every time you say no to a should, you say yes to your soul.

And that, love, is the quiet revolution.

The one that begins not with shouting,

but with remembering—

I am not here to perform.

I am here to live.